Kill the radio (or die trying)

Hi, I'm Andrew Lyon.
I'm working on Stamp, a p2p identity system used as the foundations of other systems, like the upcoming version of Turtl (a p2p encrypted, collaborative knowledge base) and Basis (the world's favorite post-capitalist economic protocol).

Recent posts

  • 201605.27

    Spam entry: We are expert

    This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

    Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing.

    Hi,

    Would you be interested in building your website? We are a professional web design company based in India.

    We are expert in the following :-

    Joomla Websites
    Word press Websites
    Magento Websites
    Shopify Websites
    Drupal Website
    E-Commerce Solutions
    Payment Gateway Integration
    Custom Websites
    Mobile Apps
    Digital Marketing

    If you want to know the price/cost and examples of our website design project, please share your requirements and website URL.

    Thanks,
    Prerana
    Business Consultant
    Note: We are Offering 20% Discount on Web Development Packages.

    Come to think of it, I DO need a website…

    Prerana,

    Thank you for contacting us. I work for a very large government contractor in the United States and we are going to use our domain for a very important project of ours. We were going to put out a bid for website development, but looking over your offer makes me realize that maybe we can just subcontract the project directly through your firm. Now, this is a fairly low-budget project, around $750,000.00 USD so you may not have time to take it on. Also, thank you for your 20% discount, which brings the project total down to $600,000.00 USD. Very kind of you.

    A bit about the project: We’re trying to use open web technologies to create a supercomputer cluster out of visitors who come to the site. Essentially, government agencies submit “jobs” and those jobs are broken into tiny pieces. Anyone who visits the website is put to work such that their browser grabs the next available job, does the work, and submits it back to the website in completed form.

    What we need from your firm is to build a high-throughput queuing system that handles a) breaking large jobs into small ones b) queuing delivery of the jobs to visitors, handling things like connectivity issues and retrying failed jobs c) programming the algorithms in the actual browser that will handle the work itself.

    The algorithms are fairly simple, for instance one of them has to do with processing fourier transforms on incoming SETI waveforms. You will then need to classify the deconstructed wave forms for a distributed self-organizing map (Kohonen network) step-by-step using the queue you build so eventually we can pump a wave form through the system and get an automated classification! Easy stuff, but we just don’t have the development bandwidth for it.

    Another one of the client-side algorithms is a stream processing system which takes certain sensor data from readings at our particle accelerator and searches for anomalies and outliers across a wide range of data. The detection mechanisms you use are up to you! We don’t want to micro-manage. However, if you provide inaccurate results, billions of dollars will be lost, so try to be mindful!

    There are about seven or eight more client-side distributed job algorithms we’ll need, but we can go into details later.

    Lastly, and I know this is stupid, but the website will need some sort of video streaming. Our user’s love videos. We have a feed coming from one of our space stations, however the transmitter on the station is broken and is sending data incorrectly. It’s an old transmitter, so it’s analog, even though the signal is digital. We’re planning on sending a mission out to fix it next year (does your firm do shuttle software?) but until then we need the website to be able to decode this analog signal and de-corrupt it, essentially. We have an internal expert on the video feed and the proprietary digital format it uses, however he’s away on vacation in France for a few months so you’ll need to figure out the format yourself and try to decode it from the analog stream. Kid’s stuff. We can send over his notes if needed, but they are scrawled inside of a Sears catalog (he’s a bit disorganized) and the pages are stuck together for some reason so we need to bring in an expert to digitize the notes. However, a firm of your stature should be able to brush this problem aside without too much effort even without his help.

    Thanks for your time, let us know if this is something you’re interested in!!

    Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best ones. This project should be a cake walk for Prerana and her team.

    Comments

  • 201605.27

    Spam entry: Send us money so people can find your site!

    This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

    If I send them money, they will make my website findable. Sounds good.

    Attention: Important Notice , DOMAIN SERVICE NOTICE
    Domain Name: da-wedding-site.com

    ATT: Andrew Lyon
    da-wedding-site.com
    Response Requested By
    22 - May. - 2016

    PART I: REVIEW NOTICE

    Attn: Andrew Lyon
    As a courtesy to domain name holders, we are sending you this notification for your business Domain name search engine registration. This letter is to inform you that it’s time to send in your registration.
    Failure to complete your Domain name search engine registration by the expiration date may result in cancellation of this offer making it difficult for your customers to locate you on the web.
    Privatization allows the consumer a choice when registering. Search engine registration includes domain name search engine submission. Do not discard, this notice is not an invoice it is a courtesy reminder to register your domain name search engine listing so your customers can locate you on the web.
    This Notice for: da-wedding-site.com will expire at 11:59PM EST, 22 - May. - 2016 Act now!

    Select Package:
    http://domainssubmit.org/?domain=da-wedding-site.com

    Payment by Credit/Debit Card

    Select the term using the link above by 22 - May. - 2016
    http://da-wedding-site.com

    Must be from Google, right? Resonded:

    OH MY GOD I MISSED THE DEADLINE. HOW CAN I REGISTER AND PAY YOU?? I WANT PEOPLE TO FIND MY WEBSITE!!

    HELP!!

    Will nobody register my domain with the domain service? How could I have been so negligent?

    Comments

  • 201605.27

    Spam entry: Logo Cheese

    This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

    What a great name! Cheesy logos! A bargain!

    You are going to need a LOGO!

    Let’s keep it simple - let us design your Logo and build your brand!

    Your Logo is your brand identity, most of the businesses don’t think about it and later on waist thousands of dollars.

    Avail Discount and get 2 custom logo concepts by industry specialist designers in 48 hours for just $29.96

    Activate Your Offer Now and let us take care of the rest!

    Awaiting your Order

    Jennifer Garner

    Design Consultant

    Logo Cheese - USA

    Ahh yes, this reminds me of the times my father and I spent in the English countryside…

    YES A LOGO!!!!! That is what my website is missing!! I knew something was off about my website, but I simple could not put my finger on it. I will certainly Activate My Offer and I would like to order twenty of your finest logos. Please have them sent directly to this email and I will certainly remit payment after I have the logos.

    Now, I know that your logo company specifically makes logos of various cheeses, but I am going to request that you do logos of things OTHER than cheese. I know this is a lot to ask of Logo Cheese - USA but hear me out. When I was but a young lad, my father used to take my brothers and myself horseback riding into the Yorkshire hills. We would laugh and sing and eat assortments of cheeses into the early evening. Then we would ride to my grandpapa’s estate and spend the week eating more cheese and chuckling over fresh cups of English breakfast tea. Not the store-bought tea you find at the local grocers, being bought by the common coupon-waving trash. No, we would have the finest handmade teas with the most expensive ingredients delivered personally by the craftsman himself, I think his name was Edward. No, it must have been Bartholomew. I believe Edward was the local butcher, who would give us the finest cuts of beefs shoulder one could possibly eat!! The beef was from the most expensive cows in all the land, and Edward would let us pick out the cow and would butcher it, alive, right in front of us. It was delightful! You see, if you kill a cow and then butcher it, much of the flavor is lost. So we would all take turns butchering the poor beast as Edward cheered us on! A truly magnificent experience! Then Edward would package our meat and we would feast that very night!!! We would eat our beef shoulder roasts at my grandpapa’s 30-person dining table, waited on by his staff of servants, and then we would sit by the fire and talk of of times past as we drank our English Breakfast tea, hand-delivered by Bartholomew himself. Now, Bartholomew was a character! The days he visited were some of the most exciting, because not only did he craft and deliver our tea, but the man was a magician!! You can imagine how wonderful that would be for a young lad, to drink his tea whilst watching a magic show right before him!! It was safe to say the Bartholomew was one of our greatest companions!! I digress, though.

    You see, one time, in the hillsides, as we were eating our artisanal cheeses and laughing and singing, just before riding to my grandpapa’s house and spending the week drinking the finest tea and eating the finest beef shoulder money can buy, we noticed a shadowy figure approaching from the Northern hills. Years before, papa had instructed us never to go into the Northern hills. There were stories of awful, sickly creatures there, but also of a village deep in the forest where a group of bandits was exiled by King George himself. As the tales go, the bandits had to choose either mating with each other or with the various beasts roaming the hillsides for generations. You can imagine the result! I personally once tried to mate with my father’s prize sheep, but the wretched thing would not sit still long enough. A man of my stature does not take kindly to anyone, or anything, refusing him. Thus, I relished sending that awful sheep to the butcher one day as my father was away on business. But that’s another story!

    As this shadowy figure approached, it became more and more grotesque in appearance. Its shirt (if you can call it that!!) had a stain of some sort right on the chest, and the hem around the trousers looked like it had come undone days ago! I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the disgusting, vile creature. As it came even closer though, I could make out its face. It was Bartholomew!! I had never seen him look so disheveled. It made me want to vomit. But papa says vomiting is for the peasants and the sickly, so I just looked away in disgust instead and tried to think of my mother’s fourty-acre garden, instead of the monstrous image of Bartholomew, lurching through the hillsides with stains on his shirt and tattered trousers.

    My father got in between us and Bartholomew, protecting us from the vile image. Bartholomew spoke: “HELLLLLP…..ME…..” His raspy voice grated on my ears. Must he keep speaking in that despicable voice? Drink a cup of tea, man!

    “Really, Bartholomew,” said father, bravely. “Get a hold of yourself man. You’re scaring the children You ought to be ashamed, wandering the hillside looking like the common London street trash.”

    “HELLLLPP!”

    “I certainly shall not! I refuse to help a man who will not help himself, who staggers around in tattered clothing, expecting a hand out from those who work hard for themselves. It goes without saying we will no longer be needing your services at the estate, and I shall personally see to it that nobody else in the town of Yorkshire ever buys tea from Bartholomew Dunscrup ever again!”

    With that, father turned on his heel, gathered us onto the horses, and we set off for grandapapa’s house. But something was different this evening. The sky was a deep maroon color and the air stank of flesh. We had only made it halfway to grandpapa’s house when the horses slowed, then stopped. Nothing we could do would make them budge. We kicked and pushed, but they sat, still and silent, as if they had given up, like that wretched man we once knew as Bartholomew.. The thought of him sickened me.

    Then it hit me. A hunger I cannot describe. It was not for the countryside’s finest beef shoulder. It was a deep hunger for something else. I could not determine the cause of it until I saw my youngest brother’s neck. My body lurched for him, uncontrollable. Everything turned red. When I came to, hours later (or so it felt), my brothers lay strewn across the hill, missing various body parts. My shirt was covered in what looked like blood, and I had bits of flesh between my teeth. What happened? I did not know. Someone had killed my brothers, and from the looks of it had almost killed me. I looked into the distance and saw a man running! I made chase. Perhaps this fine gentleman could tell me of the events prior! Perhaps he witnessed this occurrence and could help investigate!

    As I gained on the gentleman, I noticed he had a familiar gait. It was father! He looked back at me and screamed.

    “Father, wait!” I shouted. But his pace only quickened. As I gained on him, I noticed a familiar feeling creeping in. A hunger. It gave me an energy I had not felt in the past, and my legs seemed move on their own, accelerating beyond what I thought was possible. Just as I reached father, my vision turned red again.

    I woke up, in the dark, in a pool of father’s blood. Whoever had murdered my brothers had murdered father as well!! I swore vengeance to myself. You see, I did not care much for my brothers, but father was very dear to me.

    Then it struck me!! There was one other person in the hills that night. It was Bartholomew! The vile man had obviously done this to father! I rushed back to town and awoke the constable. He was a dear family friend, and as soon as he heard what had happened, what Bartholomew had done, he rounded up the entire police force and their most capable hounds, and we set off for an evening hunt. I have always loved a good fox hunt, you see, but had never had the opportunity to participate in a hunt at night!! The constable and I laughed together as we spoke of previous hunts and how we would surely catch Bartholomew on this eve!

    Not a minute after we reached the hillside, the dogs picked up a scent. I knew in my heart it was Bartholomew. We made haste and came to a clearing, lit only by the moon, where we saw the same shadowy figure from before, on its knees, crying into its hands. Aha! I thought to myself. We found the wretch!

    We dismounted our horses and as we walked toward the figure, I recognized its unnerving voice.

    “HELLLP MEEE”

    Oh, I would help it, certainly. I would help it shed its mortal coil and release its vile soul back to the hell it came from. As I neared closer the figure, I felt the same hunger from before. It must have been Bartholomew, causing this odd feeling! It’s proof! My vision went red again.

    I awoke, but this time it was day. The entire hunting party, all their hounds, and Bartholomew lay strewn before me, their chewed and ravaged corpses beginning to cook slightly in the growing morning sun. Somehow Bartholomew had killed all the policemen, but from the looks of it the dogs must have torn him to shreds.

    I searched the pockets of the creature, more disgusted by him than ever before, and found that not only had he slain my brothers, my father, and the entire Yorkshire police department, but he has stolen cheese from my grandfather!!

    I was in quite a rage at finding this, and you see, to this day, after inheriting my father’s wealth and my grandfather’s estate, after living through this horrid event and living to tell the tale, and after finding the cheese in Bartholomew’s pocket, I no longer can eat cheese.

    Please consider this when sending the logos I have requested.

    Father would be proud that I am carrying on his legacy. I think of him every day. In fact, I am reminded of a time when we…

    Comments

  • 201605.27

    Spam entry: Add me to your address book

    This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

    Richard just happened to stumble across my new domain!! What are the odds?

    Please add richard@thewebexperts.info to your address book to ensure future email delivery.

    Hi Andrew Lyon,

    My name is Richard. I recently came across da-wedding-site.com and was curious to find out if you have any design needs (redesign,landing pages, etc.)?

    My team and I have worked with organizations like dfwtacticalgear & lapazyachtcharter.

    We are offering an ideal package which has been especially tailor-made for you with no monthly and hidden cost:

    Business website starting @ 400

    e-Commerce/online store starting @ 695

    We also specialize in digital marketing, SEO, and analyzing your sites analytics to keep your audience engaged and on your site longer!

    If you are interested in speaking about your website, please feel free to share your contact and best time/day to reach you.

    Thanks for your time and I hope to hear back from you!

    Richard Direct Line: +1 7733828125 Business Hours: 0900 -1800 EST

    Promptly added richard to my address book, then responded:

    yes hi i want a website but i dont have much money so what i want is to build a website that makes LOTS of money (that’s where you come in) and then once it makes a bunch of money i can pay you back for making the website. lots of people do this. my uncle did this and he was able to put an addition on his trailer AND pay the company that built it back some of the money so its a win win. thx let me know if you are interested!

    I can’t wait to show my uncle the new website! His internet is super fast ever since his neighbor upgraded to cable and didn’t password their router!

    Comments

  • 201605.27

    Spam entry: A website, for FREE

    This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

    I’m pretty sure the word “free” is somewhere in Vik’s email. Right??

    Dear Andrew,

    I just wanted to know if you would need any assistance with your domain da-wedding-website.com. We can help you in building a new website or a mobile application for your domain.

    We can also help you with SEO/ASO of any of your existing websites or mobile applications.

    Looking forward to hear from you.

    Thank you,

    Vik
    DB Web Apps
    Phone: +1 415-671-6239
    Email: info@dbwebapps.com

    Response:

    A website? For FREE? That’s a great deal! Most of the other people sending me emails want to charge me money. This is terrific! My wife will be so pleased at the great deal i have found. Why don’t you send a few free design ideas and I will look them over and tell you which is the best and then you can start work immediately for free.

    I am blown away by your generosity.

    In a world inundated with greed and selfishness, the biggest gesture one can make is an act of selflessness. Thank you, Vik, for your revolutionary kindness.

    Comments

  • 201605.27

    Spam entry: A reputed web design company (with no website)

    This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

    Their website is so good, it will melt your computer lol which is they we don’t link to it!!!1

    Hi Andrew,

    Out of respect for your time, I thought an email might be less disruptive than an unannounced phone call. We noticed you recently registered “da-wedding-site.com” so thought of reaching out you.

    We have been designing and developing customer-friendly websites for more than 5 years and have managed to live up to the growing expectations of our respective clientele. We believe that a good design always pays off in the long run and helps you attract the attention of your target audience, which eventually converts into ascending sales.

    We are a reputed web design and development company offering business-specific solutions to our clients who are scattered all over the world. Over the past few years, we have helped hundreds of clients in having a distinct web presence. Our services include:

    • Responsive websites on WordPress, Joomla! and Drupal
    • Responsive eCommerce websites on Magento, Prestashop and Shopify
    • Custom Web Applications
    • Custom Mobile Applications
    • Specialized Quality Assurance Solutions

    If you want to have a new website or you want to revamp your existing website to make it more search engine friendly, we are the right company. Reply to this email, and we will get back to you with industry-specific solutions.

    Regards,

    Ken Morgan

    Because Ken was so incredibly respectful of my time I wrote him a very detailed response:

    hi ken thank you SO MUCH for respecting my time i was thinking about your enticing offer and your reputed website development company and i have some great ideas on websites ok so here they are idea 1 a website that gives people seizures when they visit whether or not they are epilptic funny rite? 2 a website that makes people CRAP THEY?RE PANTSS!! omg my friends would go crazy it would go VIRAL and i could put ads on it and make a million dollars which reminds me can you build the websites first and then after i get the million dollars THEN i can pay you after? k cool thx so idea 3 a website that when you go to it you hold the computer up to a wall and you cna SEE THROUGH THE WALL ON THE SCREEN like xmen and i want to put the xmen logo on it but if i get sued i can tell them you guys did it not me (ur insured rite??) next idea 4 is a website that you put in your bank acct # and it sends you $5 wouldnt that be great like everyone would use that every day including me free $5 rite?!! lol yeah so idea 5 is a website where you click a button and the computer starts to LEVITATE and you can sit on it and you are basically flying and you can go places ON TOP OF YOUR COMPUTER and when you get there and ur like “omg i need to check my email” boom your computer is RIGHT THERE UNDER YOU y has no 1 thought of this people are dumb i guess lol so i have more ideas but im going to hold off for now since i need you to confirm you can build these ideas for free up front hereto notwithstanding forgoing payments etc and then i pay after the work is done and my websites sell for big bucks and i also dont want your reputed company to steal my amzaing ideas so plz sign the attached nda and we can talk business kkthx

    <attached an actual NDA>

    Really looking forward to getting some of these exciting ideas off the ground. Sometimes the best way to market is to solve a very difficult technical problem, such as levitation. Surely Ken will deliver. After all, he does work for a very reputed web design and development company offering business-specific solutions.

    Comments

  • 201507.21

    Hackernews: a typical day

    Comments

  • 200908.13

    Perfect answer to a dumb question

    I can't tell what's better: the actual text art or the jubilant avatar next to it. Either way I cracked up when I saw it. Great ad, too. Here's the original post. Update - as I predicted, the phallic text art was removed =(

    penis

    Comments