This is a post in a series of spam responses I’m doing after creating a new domain for my website. After receiving a flood of sales calls and emails, I’m deciding to have some fun.

Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing.

Hi,

Would you be interested in building your website? We are a professional web design company based in India.

We are expert in the following :-

Joomla Websites
Word press Websites
Magento Websites
Shopify Websites
Drupal Website
E-Commerce Solutions
Payment Gateway Integration
Custom Websites
Mobile Apps
Digital Marketing

If you want to know the price/cost and examples of our website design project, please share your requirements and website URL.

Thanks,
Prerana
Business Consultant
Note: We are Offering 20% Discount on Web Development Packages.

Come to think of it, I DO need a website…

Prerana,

Thank you for contacting us. I work for a very large government contractor in the United States and we are going to use our domain for a very important project of ours. We were going to put out a bid for website development, but looking over your offer makes me realize that maybe we can just subcontract the project directly through your firm. Now, this is a fairly low-budget project, around $750,000.00 USD so you may not have time to take it on. Also, thank you for your 20% discount, which brings the project total down to $600,000.00 USD. Very kind of you.

A bit about the project: We’re trying to use open web technologies to create a supercomputer cluster out of visitors who come to the site. Essentially, government agencies submit “jobs” and those jobs are broken into tiny pieces. Anyone who visits the website is put to work such that their browser grabs the next available job, does the work, and submits it back to the website in completed form.

What we need from your firm is to build a high-throughput queuing system that handles a) breaking large jobs into small ones b) queuing delivery of the jobs to visitors, handling things like connectivity issues and retrying failed jobs c) programming the algorithms in the actual browser that will handle the work itself.

The algorithms are fairly simple, for instance one of them has to do with processing fourier transforms on incoming SETI waveforms. You will then need to classify the deconstructed wave forms for a distributed self-organizing map (Kohonen network) step-by-step using the queue you build so eventually we can pump a wave form through the system and get an automated classification! Easy stuff, but we just don’t have the development bandwidth for it.

Another one of the client-side algorithms is a stream processing system which takes certain sensor data from readings at our particle accelerator and searches for anomalies and outliers across a wide range of data. The detection mechanisms you use are up to you! We don’t want to micro-manage. However, if you provide inaccurate results, billions of dollars will be lost, so try to be mindful!

There are about seven or eight more client-side distributed job algorithms we’ll need, but we can go into details later.

Lastly, and I know this is stupid, but the website will need some sort of video streaming. Our user’s love videos. We have a feed coming from one of our space stations, however the transmitter on the station is broken and is sending data incorrectly. It’s an old transmitter, so it’s analog, even though the signal is digital. We’re planning on sending a mission out to fix it next year (does your firm do shuttle software?) but until then we need the website to be able to decode this analog signal and de-corrupt it, essentially. We have an internal expert on the video feed and the proprietary digital format it uses, however he’s away on vacation in France for a few months so you’ll need to figure out the format yourself and try to decode it from the analog stream. Kid’s stuff. We can send over his notes if needed, but they are scrawled inside of a Sears catalog (he’s a bit disorganized) and the pages are stuck together for some reason so we need to bring in an expert to digitize the notes. However, a firm of your stature should be able to brush this problem aside without too much effort even without his help.

Thanks for your time, let us know if this is something you’re interested in!!

Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best ones. This project should be a cake walk for Prerana and her team.