Here I will outline some wonderful techniques I've developed for saving the planet. A lot of these may come off as common sense but, as we all know, most people don't have it so I'll go over them anyway.

1. Driving. This is the obvious and hard one. Although I realize you can't stop driving altogether, there are ways to drive the same distance without using as much gas.
   • Accellerate slowly. You are driving a 2 ton object. Although it feels slow, generating the amount of power to get that object from 0 to 30 is enormous, and a lot of fuel is used to get started. I can't stress how important this is going uphill...take it slow.
   • Don't stop for anything. Once you stop, you have to accelerate again. If you are coming up on a red light, decrease your speed a few hundred feet before you reach it. Then, you'll be traveling a constant slow(er) speed and by the time you get there, the light will be green. If you get good at timing, you'll be able to keep up a good speed and never have to stop for a red. Don't mind the asshole tailgating you, they'd have to wait at the light anyway. With stop signs, obey the "no cop, no stop" philosophy.
   • Keep your tires filled and your car in tune.
   • Get a better car. If you actually go offroad a lot, you constantly haul stuff around, or have to deal with 3 feet of snow, you can skip this step. If you live in California like me, you can ditch your stupid SUV and get a real car. Remember, the size of your dick is inversely proportional to the size of your car. The bigger your car, the tinier your penis.
   • Get off your fat McDonalds ass and walk or ride your bike once in a while.
2. Lights. Get compact fluorescents. The initial cost is worth the eventual energy savings. They last forever and are much brighter than incandescents. Also, with any type of light, it's better to leave it on for a few minutes than to incessantly turn it on and off. Note - with compact fluorescents, they are not disposable...they need to be properly recycled!
3. Heating/cooling. Heating a house or apartment is a big deal, so do it only when you need to. Wear a coat or put on some shorts and open the windows. Yes, you may be uncomfortable, but don't be such a fuckin' wuss. Some people are cold all the time and have no food. Bein uncomfortable builds character. Get over yourself, asswipe.
4. Food. I'm not going to shove the organic thing down your throat. It is better, however, to buy foods from your area. If you live in Siberia, skip this step. If not, supporting foods that haven't been trucked across the globe saves energy because they haven't been trucked across the globe.
5. If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brow... You get it. Flushing doesn't waste water. Water just goes back into the water cycle. Flashing wastes electricity. Huh? Toilets don't use electricity, stupid! Oh yes they do. In order for the water to come out your sink or toilet, it has to be pressurized. This takes a lot of energy. Imagine, if you will, trying to pressurize an entire city with a hand pump. A lot of work, right? Right. Well, pumps use electricity, and a lot of it. The less water you use, the less electricity used to pressurize the water system.
6. Don't die. As your body decomposes, it releases harmful carbon into the atmosphere.

I hope you've enjoyed my energy-saving tips. Be sure to stay tuned for more in the future.